BEN TIBBETTS


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Potpourri




Jokes

Here are some jokes I like. They are not original to me, but I have rewritten or tweaked many of them to varying degrees.



Some employees buy their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the box, the boss notices that it is wet in one corner. He touches his finger to the wet spot and tastes it.

"Wine?" he asks.

"No," they reply.

Again, he touches his finger to the box. "Scotch?"

"No."

He shakes his head. "I give up. What is it?"

The employees look uncomfortable. "Puppy," one replies.
A little girl is filling up a hole in a garden. Her neighbor peers over the fence. "What are you doing?" he asks.

The girl sniffs. "My goldfish died," she says. "I am burying him."

"I am sorry to hear that," says the neighbor. "Isn't that hole kind of big for a goldfish?"

The girl shovels on some more dirt. "That's because he's inside your lousy cat."
A professor hands out an exam to a class. After an hour, the students pass in their exams and leave. The professor notices that one of the students attached a hundred dollar bill to her paper. The student also attached a note which said, "A dollar per point."

At the next class the professor hands back the exams. The student gets back her test and $56 change.
A delivery boy is delivering a pizza at a man's house. The man asks, "What's the usual tip?"

The delivery boy hesitates. "This is my first trip here...but the other guys say I'll be doing great if I get a quarter out of you."

This remark takes the man by surprise. Indignant, he says, "Is that so?" He opens his wallet. "Here's a ten. That'll show them."

"Gee, thanks," replies the delivery boy. "I'll put this in my school fund."

"That's nice. What are you studying in school?" the man asks.

The delivery boy starts walking back to the car. "Applied psychology."
Two students party hard the night before a big exam. The next day they oversleep and miss class. They panic and ask the professor if they can make it up the next day. They explain that they missed class because of a flat tire. The professor says, "No problem."

The next day, the professor places the students in separate rooms. They each flip over their copy of the test, and are surprised to see only one question written on it. At the top of the page, underneath the name: "Which tire? (100 points)".
A woman dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. Instead of finding St. Peter, she sees a computer terminal sitting in the clouds. She approaches the computer.

"Welcome to Heaven.Com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."

She pauses. No one told her this was coming. She scrolls down.

"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here!" She clicks.

"Please enter the following information, and your password will be emailed to you: Your Name, Date of Bith, Date of Death, and Favorite Food." The woman enters the information and clicks "Submit".

A new page appears. "Welcome to Purgatory.Com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."
A butcher backs into a meat grinder. Wincing in pain, he takes out his cell phone and calls his wife. "Honey," he begins, "I'm going to be late getting home tonight." He looks around at the meat grinder. "I got a little behind in my work."
A man is lying on his deathbed, and his wife is sitting by his side.

The man says, "I have a confession: I've been cheating on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. Not just one woman, but dozens."

His wife pats his hand lovingly. "Yes, I know," she says. "That's why I gave you the poison."
A man sees a sign on a building saying, "GREAT VIEW. COLD BEER. GOOD COMPANY. 13TH FLOOR." He walks in and orders a drink.

After a moment he notices that the guy sitting next to him has laid out three pills on the bar. As he watches the stranger swallows one of the pills, downs his drink, rushes across the room and jumps out the window. The man is shocked--he rushes to the window--but after a moment the stranger returns through the front door and takes his seat.

The man is stupefied. "How did you do that?" he demands. The stranger explains that these are magic pills which give him super powers. The stranger swallows another pill, jumps out the window, and walks back through the front door unharmed.

Now there's one pill left. As the stranger reaches for the pill, the man stops him. "I'd like to try that pill," he says. The stranger declines, but when the man offers him $500 he reluctantly agrees to sell the magic pill. The man is excited--he shoves the money at the stranger, grabs the pill, swallows it, and jumps out the window.

A couple minutes pass. The bartender moves to pour the stranger another drink, saying, "You know, Superman, you have a cruel sense of humor at times." The stranger picks up the tab and flies home.
An accountant is praying.

Accountant: Oh Lord, what does a million years feel like to you?
God: Like a second.
Accountant: That's amazing! Oh Lord, what is your view of a million dollars?
God: Like a penny.
Accountant: Wonder of wonders! Oh Lord, can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.
Dear Professor ______,

Thank you for your letter on March 12. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me admission to your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your school's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will join the ranks of graduate students in your department this September. I look forward to seeing you then.

I wish you the best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Ben Tibbetts
A pianist and a singer are rehearsing Autumn Leaves for a concert. The pianist says, "OK. We'll start in G minor, and then on the third bar modulate to B major. When we get to the bridge, modulate down to F# minor and alternate between 4/4 and 7/4. Then, at the last A section, go into double time and gradually shift back to G minor."

The singer cries, "Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."

The pianist raises an eyebrow and says, "Well, that's what you did last time."


Quotes

Here are some quotes about music that I like.




"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."
~Dan Rather
"If you develop an ear for sounds that are musical it is like developing an ego. You begin to refuse sounds that are not musical and that way cut yourself off from a good deal of experience."
~John Cage
"Music makes one feel so romantic--at least it always gets on one's nerves--which is the same thing nowadays."
~Oscar Wilde
"No opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible."
~W. H. Auden

        
© 2014 Ben Tibbetts